I want I want I want

Currently in employment limbo right now. My regular season job is on a two week summer break. My summer job has been suspended care of, the city of Toronto inside and outside workers' strike. So no money has been coming in for about two months and the money I do have I cannot touch because I have to pay for school in a couple of weeks.


I just had a girls weekend with Celeste, we stayed at a swank downtown hotel, ate out, and went clubbing which included alcohol, taxi fares, cover charges, and tips. Needless to say this past weekend I spent more money than I should have.

So most of the money I do have is in lock down, I only have several hundred dollars to spend until my regular job kicks in (that is if I get the shifts) and I'm saving the remainder of my credit card balance for when I have to buy books for school. So why oh, why did I visit the American Eagle's site today and see things that so desperately want?

Like this prep school blazer


That would look super cute with his sweetheart striped dress



Or shipping is free, for these awesome skinny jeans



Which would look good with this purple striped shirt


Or paired with this military inspired jacket



Accessorized by these kick ass boots from Chinese Laundry



Why do I do this to myself? *sigh* now I'm going to cry myself to sleep. Peace!

The Myth

After a year in an independent study high school my mother decided I should transfer to an all girls school. Both schools were Catholic but they could not be more different in how they approached religion, worship, and sexuality.

School one had a more laid back approach. Our priest was well known in the school community, he had an office in the school, he was easy to talk to, really friendly, and wore jeans when he wasn't leading mass. When we'd go to mass it was either in the gym or in the summer months it was on the field at the back of the school...yes mass on the grass. The emphasis was put on community, helping each other out, and being good people. At school I didn't feel stifled by religion or its dogma, and as a young woman I didn't feel as is I was carrying a burden of temptation and morality.

...in comes school two.

School two was an all girl school and not a week went by when abstinence, pro-life, and sexist dogma were not shoved down our throats. I could feel the shift instantly. Suddenly there was an abstinence group, where they'd put on lame, badly acted, skits on how to avoid having sex with your boyfriend (ironically enough one of the main members of this group was one of the most sexually active in the school) . Health class was a joke, it only highlighted the STIs we could contract if we had sex. (It was later revealed by my sister that, our gym teacher, who taguht health, had taught her year about condoms and birth control but adminsitration caught wind of this and shut down the safe sex unit in health class altogether.) Mass was held at the convent next door where we preached at about the special gift God gave to us and how it must be cherished as well as protected. Pre-marital sex was a sin. Homosexuality was a sin. Materbaution was a sin.

We were taught all of these things and yet girls at my high school still got pregnant before graduation, girls still contracted various STIs, and girls still got it on in the parking lot with their boyfriends during school dances.

I don't know about you but I'd say absitence only programs do not work.

We had this discussion with one of our more religiously inclined teachers. A classmate asked why safe sex shouldn't be taught in schools, our teacher said that providing condoms and lessons about birth control would be giving young people persmission to have sex (except that we don't need permission), my classmate countered 'but we're having sex anyway' after that my teacher shut up and continued on with the lesson.

So completely shocked and disgusted that my vagina and womb were constant fodder for both fear and control, I asked my brother and a few of my male friends who went to the all boys school up the road about abstience and pro-life: 'What's that?' 'Huh?' 'Oh we don't have that' 'They don't teach us about condoms either'

WHAT THE FUCK???

I was so angry! The blatant double standard was dispicable! I mean, a girl cannot get pregnant on her own, she cannot contract an STD all by her lonesome!

In light of this extrem sexism I started to weapons of the weak it. I skipped mass. Slept in religon class. Argued with my philiosphy teacher that yes, transgendered men and women are in face people...I was rude to him too, he deserved it! And I took a stand in business class, it may have not been on the Rosa Parks scale but I yielded the little power I did have:
It was pro-life week, the pro-lifers were passing around pictures of dead burnt babies and shit. At the end of their terrible presentation, they passed around these forms saying I making this promise to God, that I will keep my purity for marriage signed ________.
Oh fuck no!

I was seated beside a girl named Jessica, she was 6 months pregnant, so when said forms were being handed out, the pro-life girl handed me a form and sheepishly asked Jessica, 'You don't want one, do you', Jessica smiled nervously and shook her head. As everyone was signing their names the pro-life girls announced that all these sheets of paper would be placed in a bowl and be offered up to God at mass.

...



...


So as everyone passed their sheets up to the front the girls around be were like 'why aren't you handing in your sheet?' and I stated loudly, and clearly 'I'm not going to make a promise that I'm not going to keep, least of all to God' They gave me cut eye and turned back around. And that was my defiance in the fact of sexism, mysgongy, and religion.

It sucks that a woman's morality is contingent on her sexuality. A man would never be considered a bad person because he's has double digit, sexual partners but if you found out a woman had the same amount well then she'd be considered a slut, someone to be gawked at, someone to be avoided, someone not worthy of a commited relationship.

Really? REALLY?

Take a fucking walk!

Poker Face

I am obsessed with this song! I know I'm a little slow on the uptake because this song has been out for a few months now but that's neither here nor there, the point is, this is a good song. Lady Gaga may be pop, she may be top 40, but this song is dance, trance, hip-hop, and electronica. It really is a good song.

Before I was a HUGE music snob, and if it wasn't endorsed by pitchfork, then I wasn't interested (oh the arrogance of youth) but now I've broadened my horizons and listen to all types of music. Everything from Snopp Dogg to Cut Copy; Johnny Cash to LCD Soundsystem; Girls Aloud to Nine Inch Nails. Music is about feeling 'it' whether that's feeling good, feeling sad, or feeling poetic. Music is all about the emotion whether its deep or frivorlious. I think its time people got off their high horses and just be equal opportunity music fans...except for Nickelback that's like the facism of the music world. HA!

Hot Song Alert

Don't you just love hot songs? Songs that just awaken those primordial instincts of just wanting to mate ALL THE DAMN TIME?

Yea I love those songs too!

There are many hot songs out there but like people, some hot songs are only good for one night and others always get the job done. I prefer the latter, personally but hey to each their own, right?

This hot song comes from Hamilton's own Junior Boys its called Parallel Lines and when homeboy sings "that final taste before you're taken away", UGH I am a puddle, completely disarmed.



mmmmm, hell yea!

Take Me To The Hospital

This is one of my all time favourite songs! I have a thing for songs that spell out words...it could have something to do with the fact that I was a cheerleader for a whole 20 minutes (no lie!). My favourite part is when he spells out blood:

Now I'm losing blood from my veins. They're slowly emptying. I'm bothered by this crimson red to the color of blood. To the color of a B. The color of a L. To the color of a O. The color of O. To the color of a Deep crimson red from a little bitty accident. ACCIDENT.

After that I always say to myself 'OH SNAP' because they finish off the d in blood with deep, eh? eh? witty, huh? Also they come up with the best line ever: Anything worth doing, is worth getting hurt for.

Words to live by, if you ask me!

PS My favourite part is when that wind surfer and shark get run over by the boat and the paramedic picks up pieces of both their bodies, gets me every time...apparently I'm easily amused.

This Ain't No Seals and Croft Bullsh*t!

Its a little late but hey you know what they say...

Summer Playlist Recipe: Healthy spoonfuls of electronica, a pinch of pop, with a sprinkling of folk.

1)Girl and the Robot by Royksopp
2)Revolution in the Head by Girls Aloud
3)Dancer by Woodhands
4)Earthquake by Little Boots
5)Far Away by Cut Copy
6)Love Calls You by Name by Leonard Cohen
7)Soft Shock by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
8)Atmosphere by Joy Division
9)Morning Dreams by Ladyhawke
10)Parallel Lines by Junior Boys
11)Tell All Your Friends by LCD Soundsystem
12)New in Town by Little Boots
13)Going on by Gnalrs Barkley
14)Outro With Bees by Neko Case
15)Everyone's at it by Lily Allen
16)Lightsonic by Groove Armada
17)California by Josh Ritter
18)Tomorrow by Ladytron
19)Summer of Love by The Presets
20)Halfway Home by TV on the Radio

There is no fate but what we make

1)If you reached the top of Mount Everest, you would scream:

If you get the chance you must dance, dance, DANCE!

-Find a New Way by Young Love

2)The next time you stand up in front of a group of people, you'll say:

we were looking for something to blow up
we were looking for something to follow
we had one way out
we had some hours left
we were so close
we knew we were chosen
we aimed for high speed
and for someone who could catch me

-Girls Night Out by The Knife

3)Your favorite thing to say when drunk is:

I could say that I'll always be here for you.
But that would be a lie and quite a pointless thing to do.
I could says that I'll always have feelings for you.
But I've got a life ahead of me, I'm only 22.

-I Could Say by Lily Allen

3)Your message to the world:

You could live in the sea
And I could be a bird
We would be together
Lovers forever
Care for each other

-Venus by Air

4)When you think of your best friend you think:

Can't break it, can't take who you are
Remember boy you're a superstar

-Council Estate by Tricky


5)Your deepest secret:

Is it bright where you are
Have the people changed
Does it make you happy you're so strange
And in your darkest hour, I hold secrets flame
You can watch the world devoured in it's pain

-The End Is The Beginning Is The End by The Smashing Pumpkins

6)Your innermost desire:

I'll do graffiti if you sing to me in French,
What are we doing here if romance isn't dead,
Mind your mouth as you walk with me,
Take care ooh as you cross the street

-Graffiti by Maximo Park

7)Your oldest memory makes you think:

Get your payments from the nation
For your trials and tribulations

-Tribulations by LCD Soundsystem

8)Somewhere in your wedding vows, you'll include:

I can't walk the line
I can't see the time
I'm falling out of view
I'm sinking into you

-Better Than Sunday by Ladyhawke

9)On your deathbed, you'll whisper:

There's a tender relation between my anger and my patience.
And a direct connection between my love and inspiration.

-The Things We Could Share by Groove Armada

9)Your friends say behind your back:

When my feet go through the door
I know what my right arm is for
Buy a drink and pull a chair
Up to the edge of the dance floor
Bouncers bouncing through the night
Trying to stop or start a fight
I sit and watch the flashing lights
Moving legs in footless tights

-Friday Night, Saturday Morning by Nouvelle Vague

10)You say behind your friends' back:

I'm the king's thirty second son
Born to him in thirty second's time
Born to him the night still young
Born to him with two eyebrows on
And that's all I was wearing
When I woke up staring at the world

-Oedipus by Regina Spektor


11)When you wake up in the morning, you mutter:

I stole the keys to the skies
We'll leave this place for the final time
No crying words no goodbyes
Yet tonight we're burning all the dark times

-This Boy's In Love by The Presets

12)If you found yourself lost on a desert island, you'd yell:

I'm leaving bitterness behind
This time I'm cleaning up my mind
There is no space for the regrets
I will remember to forget

-Peace by Depeche Mode

13)Right now, your feelings are:

We give it up and then they take it away
A girl's got to zip it up
And get her head in the shade
Baby, we give it up
It's just a matter of time
Before all the heavy stuff
Comes back to bite your behind
-Biology by Girls Aloud
14)Your life's soundtrack:

How on earth could I be any more obvious?
It never really did and now it's never gonna happen with the two of us
I don't understand what it is that you're chasing after
But it makes me really sad to hear you sound so desperate
It just makes it harder

-Never Gonna Happen by Lily

15)The day you fall in love will be the day that:

Didn't mean to make you panic, didn't mean to put you off
Baby it's the way that you've got me
I listen to my heart and it takes you high
And you ask me how, can I show you how?
I need your love right now

-You Don' Have a Clue by Royksopp

16)You scream during sex:

I have a microchip implanted in my heart
So if I try to escape the robots will blow me apart
And my limbs will go flying and land before the ones that I love
Who would wail and would weep but the robots would keep them at bay
While I shut my eyes for the very last time.
Citizens of tomorrow be forewarned.
Citizens of Tomorrow by Tokyo Police Club

17)Your farewell message to the readers of this:

Out at sea for seven years I got your letter in Tangier
Thought that I'd been on a boat til that single word you wrote
That single word it landlocked me turned the masts to cedar trees
And the winds to gravel roads
Idaho, oh Idaho

-Idaho by Josh Ritter

The Hard Goodbye Pt. 2

So Alice is gone. I wrote her a letter, like actually hand wrote her a letter that I slipped into my copy of World War Z and told her not to read it till after the plane took off. Sentimental? Cheesy? Ok, yea it totally was but all the things I wrote were things she needed to know. To have such a lack of support from her parents, she needed to know what she was doing, was right and not to have ANY regrets or worries. Hopefully my letter gave her piece of mind, because that was its purpose. I know she'll have an amazing time.

Celeste is here! I saw her on Friday. We spent the day in and around the Eaton's Centre because that's a tourist hotspot with Dundas Square and the bronze cowboy. So now its essentially my duty to be tour guide and entertainment organizer which I don't necessarily object to. It will force me to get out this summer and do more than just work and stress about the upcoming school year. I must say though it does not feel as if its been four years since Celeste and I saw each other. I thought it would be awkward because she's the super Sydney club skan- uh go'er and I'm...not. However, we did pick up where we left off: her saying crazy things and me being left flabbergasted. Good relationship, I say!

My summer job is starting up. We're having meetings and trainings and this year we have a new supervisor and with a new supervisor come new changes. She seems nice enough (through emails because we have not met yet) but there are some changes that are a bit perplexing. For one thing, the parents don't need newsletters, its summer camp. I'm sure this is a welcome respite from the constant newsletters and information packages that are sent home with their kids during the school year, AND its not exactly in line with thinking green since we all know where said newsletters will end up. Plus with our camp, we don't necessarily have a plan. That's not to say that we have no idea what we're doing day in and day out but if a particular group of kids can't do a drill or aren't enjoying an activity, I'm not going to force them to do it because that's the plan. Its more of a guide than a plan but we'll see what happens. I'm thinking I'm going to have a lot to say at our meeting on Friday...although she probably won't want to hear it because I missed the first meeting because of my other job and I'm going to miss our last meeting before camp starts because I have my road test that day. I'm sure I'm her favorite already.

Summer, it has arrived

Peace Will Come To Me

Depeche Mode - "Peace"


The chorus has some church flavour to it, classic Depeche Mode always dabbling in spiritual and religious imagery (see Jesus, Personal; Rumours, Blasphemous; The Revelator, John). Not as good as 'Wrong' but still amazing! Ugh DM, please don't ever leave us!

The Hard Goodbye

Said my first goodbye. Right now, Vivienne is half way around the world, jet lagged and miserable...well hopefully not. My last night with her we hung out with Chris and my grade 9 crush, Jay, which I got strangely giddy over because LIKE OMG MY GRADE 9 CRUSH, who was like so totally cute back in 2002, lol. Anyways we went to this totally random European restaurant in the heart of Scarborough, which I can't say I'm familiar with.

Jay is a really good story teller and he has many stories to tell, I now understand why Vivienne won't shut up about him. He's not what you expect him to be. He wears shirts from American Apparel (how bad is it that I can recognize a plain tee as AA), skinny jeans, and rebook high tops. Except he's got this really 'small town Ontario' way about him, he calls his friends his 'buddies' and talks about the cottage and 'going up north', and beer and hockey and snowboarding and yet he's been all over Europe and Southern Asia and has tried foods that I won't even look at. He's a strange one, I was just - not in awe- but completely shocked that all these things are coming from this guy who has a goatee and lives in Whitby but enough about him.

I was a little sad that the first time Vivienne and I actually did something, regular single 21 year old girls do, she has to leave for two months. I know that I've said this before but I'm really glad that Vivienne and I have become friends again, its like grade 9 all over again, which was the last time I felt, normal, I guess? It sucks that when you experience a trauma, it takes years to get over. I mean I was 14 and now that I'm 21 (almost 22) I'm only moving on now. It has honestly been an up hill battle for the last 8 years. I hadn't realized how much damage had been done until Vivienne reminded me of the person I used to be. The transformation between June 2002 to September 2002 was a complete 180, and I never really recovered. I can't believe my family didn't notice or didn't do anything about my extreme behavioral and personality change.

Whatever, what's done is done, I've got to move on and even though I'm essentially alone this summer(ok not really) I've got to quit this Peter Pan syndrome and grow the fuck up...or at least do more adult things, honestly I still have mickey mouse bedding! Right now I can say that I'm happy with the person I am, and I'm happy to see all the amazing things that are being lined up on the horizon I just have to do it, you know! I need to grow up!

In closing: Yey for hot boys and alcohol!