Happy New Year!

I had a pretty good New Year`s Eve. I went to a house party of a friend, of a friend, of a friend. The only people I knew were Viv and Chris. I had zero expectations for how the night would go down because I didn`t know 90% of the people, and this turned out to be a good thing.

I quickly made friends with randoms(the wine helped with this) and once again I was oblivious to some dude flirting with me (the wine helped with this) some typical caker , who plays hockey, and calls his friends his 'buddies', whatever. And the girls' whose place it was, kept feeding me shots and I never say no to shots, I`m guessing this contributed to my now hangover.

But dang, I feel like shit!

I drank waaaay too much. I don`t even know how I made it up the stairs to my bed. My head was spinning all night and I only felt better after I woke up at 8am (after getting home at 3:30) and downed two Advil, and an orange, apparently people, this is a hangover cure!

I don`t party hard on a regular basis, so I say I`m allowed to have gone nuts, especially on New Years Eve!

Despite my hangover though, I had an amazing night with strangers, in Mississauga!

2010, you just might be the best year yet!

I don't have time for fairweather friends

My frustration is that I'm putting in much more than what I am getting, this friendship scale is starting to tip so that my end is bearing most of the weight.

And a person who displays selfish behaviour however innocent it may be, will not recognize the effort and not realize that they need to give too.

I should pull back. This is the only way for them to truly understand the role I play in their lives because fuck, I am an amazing friend, and I shouldn't have to apologize for knowing that!

Its their move.

And I'll be waiting but not forever.

Moving to New York

For a month. This summer. With the BFF.

Love New York. Miss it terribly! Its been 3 years since I've been. Can`t believe that much time has passed can`t believe how different everything is. The people I went with last time, I swore they`d always be in my life and now I speak to neither of them, and as the years passed I found out what acutally happened on that trip, between them, while I was asleep.

Ignorant to what was going on, it was one of the happiest memories of my life. I was 19 years old. My first trip out of the country without my parents, and with two my dearest friends, in one of the greatest cities on earth. The first few days we walked everywhere, we got to see a lot more of the city that way but it was mainly because we were afraid to take the subway, since the New York system is much more complicated than Toronto`s. We did end up taking it to Spring st. though, and after that realized it wasn`t that complicated after all.

We saw Ice-T in times squre, hung out in central park, played in FAO Schwartz and took a tour of the harbour. It was so much fun, good clean fun (we were underage by American standards) but looking back on it, it has now been tainted by what I didn`t know before but now I do. I still have those memories but a certain person`s attitude now makes sense. I still look back fondly but waking up alone now makes sense.

I think I`m over us not being friends anymore, I`ve realized that its very grade 7 of me to be angry with them when there is nothing to be done, hell I would even hang out with them in a group setting, I`m not saying we`d be friends, I`m just saying we`re ok now.

On to New York 2010! Will be much better, being more comfortable with myself, the city and having a real friendship with the person I`m going with. I`m excited, its nearly a year away but I can`t wait, we all need something to look forward to, right. Oh yea I will be 23 when I go, so I will be boozing it up with the lower east side!

The Universe - 1; Nicole - 0

This is not what I had wanted. Not at all. I just wish that she could be spared from this fucked up shit, she doesn't deserve this.

How the fuck is the other one always 5 steps ahead?

Oh yea, because who would ever guess that a very close friend would betray your trust and use what they know as leverage against you, you wouldn't, would you? But that's exactly what she does, time and time again. The only other person that knows this besides me has been dismissed as a crazy ex-girlfriend.

*sigh*

This hurts and angers me because its hurting one of the best friends that I've ever had.

It may seem that I'm being too clingy, too territorial when it comes to my friends but you must know, I'm not the "cock block friend" by any means. You want to get yours, fine, that's your deal but I'll be damned if you go to his place alone. You can get it on in the next room whatever, wear a condom, please but I'll be watching old movies in his living room. That's what a good friend would do, non?

So as a good friend, I don't want, what can potentially go down, to go down. Its not right. Its not fair, and its completely the makings of a manipulative, vindictive, insecure, psychopath, who over and over again hurts people with little or zero consequence.

If this does go down, there will be consequences! You have to know what you've done is wrong! You have to understand that you've destroyed people! You have to realize that you can't treat people that way!

Same thing over and over. I'm hoping for the best.

We Won't Ever Come Back From This

So long, my friend. There must always be an end but all our love and life, and song, carries on. I carry it on. Now the lightships are guiding you over the sea. And the lightships are sailing you away from me, over the edge of the world. The edge of the world. Over the edge but I carry you on I carry you on. And I carry on.

-Patrick Wolf

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Vivienne's best friend's death. I remember hearing about it and thinking, 'This can't be. Its just not possible', and to this day I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. I hadn't seen him in years and only ever knew him in passing but I think that has something to do with the fact that I just can't believe he's gone. To me he still exists somewhere, to me he's still alive but to all the people who loved him the reality is, he's gone.

I won't go into detail about other people's grief because its not my place to talk about it, least of all on a blog but Michael's death just made me realize how final, death is. There is no cheating it, there are no second chances, there is no forever, we all will die. Everyone you have ever met, hated, loved, locked eyes with, will die. This is something we don't often think about because a)We as humans are quite arrogant and have this 'emperor's new clothes' belief that we're indestructible and b)Death as a whole is just a vortex, it takes so much energy and emotion to process, on a regular basis, even just in thought.

People in my family have passed away but no one I was particularly close with so I have never had to feel the burden of grief for a prolonged period of time, especially grief over someone you always expected to be there.

You know, well you expect, that your grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles will pass away before you but when its a brother or a sister or a best friend; someone you were planning to have in your life until you kicked it, when you were in your 80s, is just a blow to your universe and your way of thinking.

Its easy to be objective about death when its not you who's going through a loss, its easy to say 'its a part of life'. All I know is if I lost my brother or sister or a really good friend *knocks on wood* I'd be a complete wreck, inconsolable, and I know it would take me YEARS to come to terms with the fact that a person I love will never drink orange juice again, or have to buy band aids, or take the bus, or brush their teeth, or find out what happens in the next Harry Potter movie...

...see thinking about it, just tears your world apart, and that's just thinking about it imagine if someone you loved was dying or dead.

Hm.

Death, I don't know what to make of you

The Hard Goodbye Pt. 2

So Alice is gone. I wrote her a letter, like actually hand wrote her a letter that I slipped into my copy of World War Z and told her not to read it till after the plane took off. Sentimental? Cheesy? Ok, yea it totally was but all the things I wrote were things she needed to know. To have such a lack of support from her parents, she needed to know what she was doing, was right and not to have ANY regrets or worries. Hopefully my letter gave her piece of mind, because that was its purpose. I know she'll have an amazing time.

Celeste is here! I saw her on Friday. We spent the day in and around the Eaton's Centre because that's a tourist hotspot with Dundas Square and the bronze cowboy. So now its essentially my duty to be tour guide and entertainment organizer which I don't necessarily object to. It will force me to get out this summer and do more than just work and stress about the upcoming school year. I must say though it does not feel as if its been four years since Celeste and I saw each other. I thought it would be awkward because she's the super Sydney club skan- uh go'er and I'm...not. However, we did pick up where we left off: her saying crazy things and me being left flabbergasted. Good relationship, I say!

My summer job is starting up. We're having meetings and trainings and this year we have a new supervisor and with a new supervisor come new changes. She seems nice enough (through emails because we have not met yet) but there are some changes that are a bit perplexing. For one thing, the parents don't need newsletters, its summer camp. I'm sure this is a welcome respite from the constant newsletters and information packages that are sent home with their kids during the school year, AND its not exactly in line with thinking green since we all know where said newsletters will end up. Plus with our camp, we don't necessarily have a plan. That's not to say that we have no idea what we're doing day in and day out but if a particular group of kids can't do a drill or aren't enjoying an activity, I'm not going to force them to do it because that's the plan. Its more of a guide than a plan but we'll see what happens. I'm thinking I'm going to have a lot to say at our meeting on Friday...although she probably won't want to hear it because I missed the first meeting because of my other job and I'm going to miss our last meeting before camp starts because I have my road test that day. I'm sure I'm her favorite already.

Summer, it has arrived

The Hard Goodbye

Said my first goodbye. Right now, Vivienne is half way around the world, jet lagged and miserable...well hopefully not. My last night with her we hung out with Chris and my grade 9 crush, Jay, which I got strangely giddy over because LIKE OMG MY GRADE 9 CRUSH, who was like so totally cute back in 2002, lol. Anyways we went to this totally random European restaurant in the heart of Scarborough, which I can't say I'm familiar with.

Jay is a really good story teller and he has many stories to tell, I now understand why Vivienne won't shut up about him. He's not what you expect him to be. He wears shirts from American Apparel (how bad is it that I can recognize a plain tee as AA), skinny jeans, and rebook high tops. Except he's got this really 'small town Ontario' way about him, he calls his friends his 'buddies' and talks about the cottage and 'going up north', and beer and hockey and snowboarding and yet he's been all over Europe and Southern Asia and has tried foods that I won't even look at. He's a strange one, I was just - not in awe- but completely shocked that all these things are coming from this guy who has a goatee and lives in Whitby but enough about him.

I was a little sad that the first time Vivienne and I actually did something, regular single 21 year old girls do, she has to leave for two months. I know that I've said this before but I'm really glad that Vivienne and I have become friends again, its like grade 9 all over again, which was the last time I felt, normal, I guess? It sucks that when you experience a trauma, it takes years to get over. I mean I was 14 and now that I'm 21 (almost 22) I'm only moving on now. It has honestly been an up hill battle for the last 8 years. I hadn't realized how much damage had been done until Vivienne reminded me of the person I used to be. The transformation between June 2002 to September 2002 was a complete 180, and I never really recovered. I can't believe my family didn't notice or didn't do anything about my extreme behavioral and personality change.

Whatever, what's done is done, I've got to move on and even though I'm essentially alone this summer(ok not really) I've got to quit this Peter Pan syndrome and grow the fuck up...or at least do more adult things, honestly I still have mickey mouse bedding! Right now I can say that I'm happy with the person I am, and I'm happy to see all the amazing things that are being lined up on the horizon I just have to do it, you know! I need to grow up!

In closing: Yey for hot boys and alcohol!

TV on the Radio

I went to go see TV on the Radio with Val and her friend Matt on Tuesday. Before that night I heard about them but never heard their music and before that night I had not seen Val since high school graduation, so how did this come to pass?

In high school we were into the same music and even went to the edge to meet Kasabian together, she was cool and all but our group of friends...well let's just say they didn't overlap, we could probably thank the other one for that but that's not important. So anyways, she randomly messaged me on facebook a few weeks ago and have since exchanged several messages about, what else, our amazing taste in music, lol.

Last weekend she messaged me about how she had an extra ticket to TV on the Radio and asked if I wanted to go. At the time I was feeling pretty low about Alice and Vivienne, and we got along well enough in high school, and I'm a pretty accommodating person so I thought 'why the fuck not?'.

I must say I do not regret my decision. There was only one semi-awkward moment when her and Matt were talking about school and I was just like 'I study people...' but overall I had a good time. The opening act, Dirty Projectors, were garbage! Yea I just said that you hipster fucks! But TV on the Radio were sooooo good. I didn't know what to expect and I was pleasantly blown away by them, they were amazing! They're music is this folky, soulful, indie, eclectic, concoction . Its effing brilliant!

I'm really glad I went because now I have a concert buddy, and its always nice to rekindle old friendships. Yey, more friends! Why not?



PS Can you detect a certain legend singing in the background of 'Province'? If they got him to sing with them, then you know they're good!

Great Weekend!

Friday
I went out with a bunch of girls from work to a bar/club. There was a bitch fight in the street and like four squad cars pulled up to deal with them it was like something out of Cops AKA AMAZING. I really enjoyed my Friday night because I hung out with and I got to know some people that I may have never gotten to know on that level had I not imposed myself on Kayla's friday night plans. ALSO they're not weird or jerks, which means we can do this again. OH and we totally talked shit and rubbish the whole time! We did polar bear shots. I drank: Beer, Rum n' Coke, and Jack n' Ginger but amazingly enough I was not drunk. I was happy but not drunk. But I am ashamed to admit that I did smoke 3 cigarettes, ugh so dirty. Anyways after we went out for breakfast and I got home at 4:00am, ROCKSTAR!

Saturday
I saw my bestestest friend in the whole wide world, Alice! We went for a walk through Edwards Garden's. Then we had sushi for dinner. I had an avocado roll and a spicy tuna roll. We talked about the usual, shared stories, and spend about an hour in my drive way talking about environmentalism, feminism, and the consciousness of a zombie. We're so cool, huh?

Sunday
I worked and was asked to stay 4.5 more hours, 20 minutes before my original shift had ended. I was miffed to say the least. But I got to work with cool people so that helped.

So all in all it was a good, eventful weekend. Not too much partying, not too much bumming around, just enough of everything: Work, Play, Relaxation. Why can't I do this every weekend?

But next weekend? UGH just shoot me right now please...more on that later.