We're f*cking done professionally

I think- once I graduate, I'm leaving.

As much as I love Toronto, I feel as if there's nothing left for me here. I have my friends and family, yes but a) I need to fly the nest and b) my friends and I are at that point where we're figuring out our lives. I need to leave. Toronto isn't doing anything for me anymore. Its the same people, the same events, the same everything.

I want to move out, Viv suggested Kensington and was all excited about moving to Kensington but I'm over Kensington, its one street with overpriced vintage shops and hipster scum I don't give a f*ck about Kensington or the beaches, or the bluffs, or the danforth, or Queen St. West, or St. Lawrence Market, or the Village or North York or East York or Scarborough or Mid-Town.

I've out grown this city. Its time that I leave. I want to move on. Toronto will always be my home, I'll always love it, but I need to get the f*ck out of here, its not contributing to my life anymore. I'm in a perfect position to just pick up leave, I'm not in a committed relationship, I don't have any kids, I down have my own car, I'm seeing the end of my university education, I don't have anything tying me down. I'm done! We're done! Its over!

I will for sure move to Vancouver and eventually and permanently Sydney. Goodbye Toronto, Goodbye Canada, its settled.

Another Friday Night

-Kinda raging at how another Friday night has been robbed because of work. I'm sorry, I'm not the kind of person who can party all night and wake up at quatre to 5 the next morning, I guess I'm not that much of a rock star.

-I went on a f*cking quest to get a gift for someone, and they better like it! F*cking made in Japan, and all!

-Dying my hair a lighter golden brown, deal with it!

-Clubbing is so ridiculous, just the whole culture surrounding it. That's why whenever I do go, I'm completely drunk or high or both so I'm not completely horrified at everyone and everything...so next weekend is going to be a sloppy weekend. Drunk dialing Mogs in Australia because that's what she did to me at like 8am! All I heard was MR. CAB DRIVER I NEED TO PEE, SH*T I NEED TO PEE, GO FASTER. MR. CAB DRIVER I NEED TO PEE SO BAD!!!!! She's going to get it!

This post is completely pointless, I'm just stalling because I don't want to go to bed.

UNF

Corey looked sooooooooooooo good the other day. UNF UNF UNF

He looked like a rugged mountain man dressed like a Ralph Lauren model. Why did I give up on him again???????? Even thinking about him now...DAMN!!!!!!!

You blew it, kid!

As you get older you get a reality check, when it comes to courtship and relationships. Firstly, that may be the 'cutest boi eva' but he's also the biggest douche bag ever with gonorrhea. Secondly looks really aren't that important if the dude is funny, talented (at whatever he does), sweet, passionate, nice, and treats you the way you should be treated.

I mean I've fallen in love with dudes that weren't exactly Johnny Depp, they weren't ugly by any stretch of the imagination but again, no Johnny Depp. But they were cool, we vibed, we had fun, etc. Which is what any relationship is about, right?

So because of this experience I have/had sworn off all pretty boys, all athletic types because my experiences with them have ALWAYS been negative, as in it always turns into a love triangle...ALWAYS and since I don't believe in competing for affections, I always bow out and subsequently loose that love battle.

Whatever they're just dudes, its not that serious.

Anyway, so when I see a pretty/athletic type of dude I'll say to myself 'Oh he's hot' and then go back to whatever I was doing before. I don't flirt, I don't try and obtain numbers, I don't stalk on facebook, I don't entertain ANY of those thoughts. At all. Ever.

I've gotten really good, so good that when they try and flirt with me, it doesn't even register, and they're standing there talking to me with a hint of disbelief written on their face because I'm not eating up everything they're saying; I'm not asking engaging, flirty questions. Its strictly plan tonic, not romantic, not even sexual, just 'hey dude what's up'. It confuses them.

So because of this err 'outlook'(???), I unwittingly shut down this dude for a month and a half. Bless him, he kept on trying.

Didn't really get it then but in hindsight, he was really trying.

His attempts didn't even come up on my radar because, to be honest, I didn't think he would be interested in me, so subconsciously I suppressed the usual 'OMGEEE HE'S SO HOT', and I just didn't get it.

1)He helped bring shit to my car even though I didn't ask him to. I totally brushed him off, telling him to just put it down and that I'll deal with it.

2)In our seminar he kept looking at me and always got this nervous look on his face

3)When I spoke to him he would get shy and just stare and then randomly declare things in a very authoritative manner.

4)The most telling of all things, was when we were alone. in the office. in the dark. He kept on asking me about my summer and what I had done and if I had enjoyed it. Even when I gave very short, non-engaging answers, he still continued. Even after a moment of silence, he continued. Even after I told him I had to go, he continued. And this time was different than all the others because I could actually feel that he was trying, you know? Before this day if you told me he was into me I'd probably say you were on crack but this time I felt the tension. I didn't feel it immediately, only after I left I thought 'what the hell just happened?'

Now I'm kicking myself because how could I be so dense? He was hot, muscular, tall, green eyed, and he wasn't a douche bag, and he was nice to me, and I completely shut him down! Just because of all of those other hot, muscular, tall, green eyed, dudes that came before him.

DAMN!

And now that school has started our schedules do no intersect at all and I don't know if and when I'll see him again. UGH!

...this also makes me wonder how many other hot dudes I've unknowingly shut down.

What an idiot

I'm glad Iive in the city because...

when the subway shuts down during rush hour, I know exactly how I'm going to get home and that's exactly what happened today. I was all by myself. The trains stopped running, the platform at York Mills was packed like a sardine can but I was calm. I knew what to do, where to go, where the shuttle buses would be. I can only imagine what it would have been like for those people who aren't used to the TTC. The city has made me street smart, and self-sufficient, despite the stereotype that city slickers don't know how to make fire, I'd say I'm pretty savy, when the occasion calls.


Stranded? NEVA!!!!!!!!!

We Won't Ever Come Back From This

So long, my friend. There must always be an end but all our love and life, and song, carries on. I carry it on. Now the lightships are guiding you over the sea. And the lightships are sailing you away from me, over the edge of the world. The edge of the world. Over the edge but I carry you on I carry you on. And I carry on.

-Patrick Wolf

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Vivienne's best friend's death. I remember hearing about it and thinking, 'This can't be. Its just not possible', and to this day I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. I hadn't seen him in years and only ever knew him in passing but I think that has something to do with the fact that I just can't believe he's gone. To me he still exists somewhere, to me he's still alive but to all the people who loved him the reality is, he's gone.

I won't go into detail about other people's grief because its not my place to talk about it, least of all on a blog but Michael's death just made me realize how final, death is. There is no cheating it, there are no second chances, there is no forever, we all will die. Everyone you have ever met, hated, loved, locked eyes with, will die. This is something we don't often think about because a)We as humans are quite arrogant and have this 'emperor's new clothes' belief that we're indestructible and b)Death as a whole is just a vortex, it takes so much energy and emotion to process, on a regular basis, even just in thought.

People in my family have passed away but no one I was particularly close with so I have never had to feel the burden of grief for a prolonged period of time, especially grief over someone you always expected to be there.

You know, well you expect, that your grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles will pass away before you but when its a brother or a sister or a best friend; someone you were planning to have in your life until you kicked it, when you were in your 80s, is just a blow to your universe and your way of thinking.

Its easy to be objective about death when its not you who's going through a loss, its easy to say 'its a part of life'. All I know is if I lost my brother or sister or a really good friend *knocks on wood* I'd be a complete wreck, inconsolable, and I know it would take me YEARS to come to terms with the fact that a person I love will never drink orange juice again, or have to buy band aids, or take the bus, or brush their teeth, or find out what happens in the next Harry Potter movie...

...see thinking about it, just tears your world apart, and that's just thinking about it imagine if someone you loved was dying or dead.

Hm.

Death, I don't know what to make of you

The Hard Goodbye

Said my first goodbye. Right now, Vivienne is half way around the world, jet lagged and miserable...well hopefully not. My last night with her we hung out with Chris and my grade 9 crush, Jay, which I got strangely giddy over because LIKE OMG MY GRADE 9 CRUSH, who was like so totally cute back in 2002, lol. Anyways we went to this totally random European restaurant in the heart of Scarborough, which I can't say I'm familiar with.

Jay is a really good story teller and he has many stories to tell, I now understand why Vivienne won't shut up about him. He's not what you expect him to be. He wears shirts from American Apparel (how bad is it that I can recognize a plain tee as AA), skinny jeans, and rebook high tops. Except he's got this really 'small town Ontario' way about him, he calls his friends his 'buddies' and talks about the cottage and 'going up north', and beer and hockey and snowboarding and yet he's been all over Europe and Southern Asia and has tried foods that I won't even look at. He's a strange one, I was just - not in awe- but completely shocked that all these things are coming from this guy who has a goatee and lives in Whitby but enough about him.

I was a little sad that the first time Vivienne and I actually did something, regular single 21 year old girls do, she has to leave for two months. I know that I've said this before but I'm really glad that Vivienne and I have become friends again, its like grade 9 all over again, which was the last time I felt, normal, I guess? It sucks that when you experience a trauma, it takes years to get over. I mean I was 14 and now that I'm 21 (almost 22) I'm only moving on now. It has honestly been an up hill battle for the last 8 years. I hadn't realized how much damage had been done until Vivienne reminded me of the person I used to be. The transformation between June 2002 to September 2002 was a complete 180, and I never really recovered. I can't believe my family didn't notice or didn't do anything about my extreme behavioral and personality change.

Whatever, what's done is done, I've got to move on and even though I'm essentially alone this summer(ok not really) I've got to quit this Peter Pan syndrome and grow the fuck up...or at least do more adult things, honestly I still have mickey mouse bedding! Right now I can say that I'm happy with the person I am, and I'm happy to see all the amazing things that are being lined up on the horizon I just have to do it, you know! I need to grow up!

In closing: Yey for hot boys and alcohol!

Great Weekend!

Friday
I went out with a bunch of girls from work to a bar/club. There was a bitch fight in the street and like four squad cars pulled up to deal with them it was like something out of Cops AKA AMAZING. I really enjoyed my Friday night because I hung out with and I got to know some people that I may have never gotten to know on that level had I not imposed myself on Kayla's friday night plans. ALSO they're not weird or jerks, which means we can do this again. OH and we totally talked shit and rubbish the whole time! We did polar bear shots. I drank: Beer, Rum n' Coke, and Jack n' Ginger but amazingly enough I was not drunk. I was happy but not drunk. But I am ashamed to admit that I did smoke 3 cigarettes, ugh so dirty. Anyways after we went out for breakfast and I got home at 4:00am, ROCKSTAR!

Saturday
I saw my bestestest friend in the whole wide world, Alice! We went for a walk through Edwards Garden's. Then we had sushi for dinner. I had an avocado roll and a spicy tuna roll. We talked about the usual, shared stories, and spend about an hour in my drive way talking about environmentalism, feminism, and the consciousness of a zombie. We're so cool, huh?

Sunday
I worked and was asked to stay 4.5 more hours, 20 minutes before my original shift had ended. I was miffed to say the least. But I got to work with cool people so that helped.

So all in all it was a good, eventful weekend. Not too much partying, not too much bumming around, just enough of everything: Work, Play, Relaxation. Why can't I do this every weekend?

But next weekend? UGH just shoot me right now please...more on that later.

Tell me I got here at the right time

I have no proof but a piece of paper but I know that piece of paper could lead to something that I am in no way prepared to deal with. I don't know for sure. It could be nothing. It could be everything. Right now I don't know and I'm fearing the worst.

I was an asshole. I didn't try hard enough. I wasn't forgiving enough. I was too stubborn. I wasn't goood enough. I was mean. There's not enough time.

These are the the things that are going through my mind right now. I know that our relationship hasn't been perfect but I don't want him to remember me in that way because in the end we won't want to remember the fights and the yelling. We'd want to remember dancing to Harvest Moon when I was little. The jokes we had. Watching the game together. Camping. Soccer games.

I've always wanted a better relationship with my father but somehow it could never work. We expected each other to be people that we weren't and that's where our problems begin and end, because every thing stems from that. We don't really know each other, and today I regret that so very much.

Tomorrow if I find out that this is all just a whole lotta nothing, well I have to be better because what if I don't get a second chance.

I hope I do get that second chance, when I finally find out what's really going on. Life's temporary, you only have one shot. I won't have another father. So whatever the news is I'm going to be better because I don't want him to think of me as this horrible person and I don't want to look back at our relationship and have regrets, I don't want to hate myself for that, and I want to have good memories of my father.

That's all I want.

Everytime I try to break free something comes along to intervene

*sigh*

No matter what has happened between us, between them, I will always cherish New York, and this remains my favourite photo of us.

I miss them like some people would miss high school: You had good times, wouldn't change them for the world but you wouldn't go back, never go back.

...adulthood rears its ugly head once again.

FINALLY!!!!!!

I am trying to break your hear - Wilco

Its been two years, TWO YEARS, since I could listen to Wilco's I am trying to break your heart, because before today, every time I've tried to listen to it, it has reminded me of lame fucked up shit that eventually ended a chapter in my life. I love this song guys, and it pained me that [seemingly] it was forever tainted by something that was stupid, shitty, and wasted my time. I could never listen to it because when I did, I would say to my self 'aw man, not this shit again'. So I stopped listening to it, which sucked because it is such a great heartbreaking love song.

BUT

Today, TODAY, I listened to it without thinking back on 'that time', I fell in love with it all over again, just as beautiful as the first time I heard it. Oh Wilco, how I've missed thee, I'll never abandon you again, never leave you!