We Won't Ever Come Back From This

So long, my friend. There must always be an end but all our love and life, and song, carries on. I carry it on. Now the lightships are guiding you over the sea. And the lightships are sailing you away from me, over the edge of the world. The edge of the world. Over the edge but I carry you on I carry you on. And I carry on.

-Patrick Wolf

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Vivienne's best friend's death. I remember hearing about it and thinking, 'This can't be. Its just not possible', and to this day I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. I hadn't seen him in years and only ever knew him in passing but I think that has something to do with the fact that I just can't believe he's gone. To me he still exists somewhere, to me he's still alive but to all the people who loved him the reality is, he's gone.

I won't go into detail about other people's grief because its not my place to talk about it, least of all on a blog but Michael's death just made me realize how final, death is. There is no cheating it, there are no second chances, there is no forever, we all will die. Everyone you have ever met, hated, loved, locked eyes with, will die. This is something we don't often think about because a)We as humans are quite arrogant and have this 'emperor's new clothes' belief that we're indestructible and b)Death as a whole is just a vortex, it takes so much energy and emotion to process, on a regular basis, even just in thought.

People in my family have passed away but no one I was particularly close with so I have never had to feel the burden of grief for a prolonged period of time, especially grief over someone you always expected to be there.

You know, well you expect, that your grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles will pass away before you but when its a brother or a sister or a best friend; someone you were planning to have in your life until you kicked it, when you were in your 80s, is just a blow to your universe and your way of thinking.

Its easy to be objective about death when its not you who's going through a loss, its easy to say 'its a part of life'. All I know is if I lost my brother or sister or a really good friend *knocks on wood* I'd be a complete wreck, inconsolable, and I know it would take me YEARS to come to terms with the fact that a person I love will never drink orange juice again, or have to buy band aids, or take the bus, or brush their teeth, or find out what happens in the next Harry Potter movie...

...see thinking about it, just tears your world apart, and that's just thinking about it imagine if someone you loved was dying or dead.

Hm.

Death, I don't know what to make of you