Prosperity, Continuity, and Adjustments

Death of Trend started out as kind of a diarist blog but then it turned into fan girl rants, so I created Dark Vaudeville so I could have a place to post about whatever was/is happening in my life without it being squished between my Kings of Leon fan girling and my Puck Bunny posts. Today I went back, WAY back in time to 2006, to read my posts from the very beginning and damn, what drugs did I take?

I have this habit, ever since I've kept a diary, even a written one, of deleting or ripping out embarrassing entries, I did it to Death of a Trend before, which was actually started in 2004 but all those entries no longer exist. I shutter at my own words, my own thoughts. If archaeologists find my diaries they'll be so pissed at me because I've deleted certain parts of my life and they will be unable to create a full picture.

I'm also more cautious about putting my face out there. Facebook is okay for that because to a point you can control who sees your image but I've stopped doing that on blogger. I used to do it but it always felt wrong, like I was giving something up.

I can't be Lauren White, who documents every aspect of her life. I mean its totally cool for her but I don't know how I would feel knowing that some random dude in Germany knows the colour of my bedroom walls, you know? And ever since I activated that google analytics device I fully understand the amount of people that actually read my blogs.

It was a huge shock because for the longest time I was under the impression that my blogs had their own little corner in cyber space where once in a while someone would stumble upon it, realize it wasn't porn and move on but thousands of people THOUSANDS have read my words, and tolerated my fanatics (no hate mail yet) it was a little unsettling. Yes I posted shit on the internet but I was under the illusion that no one read it, because why would they? Why out of all the wonderful blogs on the internet would someone want to read why I hate the way Sidney Crosby does his hair?

So now I'm still coming to terms with the fact that people visit my blogs regularly looking for whatever my entries give them, and its weird to have an audience, because before it was about me, whatever I wanted to post about I did but now there are people who have expectations and that's...very strange to me.

Don't want to be a traffic whore and post 5 times a day on KOL anymore just because their posts bring in the most readers. I want to post about what I want to post about but always before I hit that publish button I wonder, will they want this? Will they still read my blogs if I publish this?

At the end of the day, I don't get any money out of this. I don't advertise on my blogs(some travel agency wanted to advertise on my blog, WHAT). So I don't owe anyone anything, if I want to post about crocheting or scrap booking, then I will! I'm going to continue on doing what I've always done, I just wish I had that false sense of security again.

Wow this post evolved into something completely different...

LET'S BE FRIENDS

I just discovered this site called Form Spring Me. Basically you set up an account and people submit questions to you, either anonymously or through their user name. So I got one because I'm a sucker for online surveys (don't judge). So if you want to what colour socks I'm wearing or how often a floss FORM SPRING ME.

Tell me I got here at the right time

I have no proof but a piece of paper but I know that piece of paper could lead to something that I am in no way prepared to deal with. I don't know for sure. It could be nothing. It could be everything. Right now I don't know and I'm fearing the worst.

I was an asshole. I didn't try hard enough. I wasn't forgiving enough. I was too stubborn. I wasn't goood enough. I was mean. There's not enough time.

These are the the things that are going through my mind right now. I know that our relationship hasn't been perfect but I don't want him to remember me in that way because in the end we won't want to remember the fights and the yelling. We'd want to remember dancing to Harvest Moon when I was little. The jokes we had. Watching the game together. Camping. Soccer games.

I've always wanted a better relationship with my father but somehow it could never work. We expected each other to be people that we weren't and that's where our problems begin and end, because every thing stems from that. We don't really know each other, and today I regret that so very much.

Tomorrow if I find out that this is all just a whole lotta nothing, well I have to be better because what if I don't get a second chance.

I hope I do get that second chance, when I finally find out what's really going on. Life's temporary, you only have one shot. I won't have another father. So whatever the news is I'm going to be better because I don't want him to think of me as this horrible person and I don't want to look back at our relationship and have regrets, I don't want to hate myself for that, and I want to have good memories of my father.

That's all I want.

Mr. Hall, I was surfing the crimson wave, I had to haul ass to the ladies

**WARNING THIS POST MAY BE UNSUITABLE FOR MALES**

Girls, you'll understand. Woke up this morning felt fine. Showered, had my breakfast, got ready to go to work, and then I got that feeling. Oh you know that feeling. That feeling that you get when you know its only a matter of hours before it starts, EXCEPT I am 2 weeks early. I am crushed. It ruined my day. It will ruin my week. I'll have to break out the granny-panties. And I have cramps, and it hurts and I'm grumpy :( But it does explain why my pants have been a little snug and why I've been mowing through food like there's no tomorrow.

I dunno guys, the hormones kick in and I go nuts, I can't stop! Anything that's not nailed down- I mean I went through a half a can of smoked oysters...who the fuck pigs out on smoked oysters??? I dread the day when I become pregnant because it will be nine months of this as opposed to a week. NINE MONTHS!!!! I am going to get so fat and I'll have to go to mommy and me classes to work off all the smoked oysters and taco bell...ick mommy and me classes? how bourgeois!

But back to the point, why so early, lady crimson?

Everytime I try to break free something comes along to intervene

*sigh*

No matter what has happened between us, between them, I will always cherish New York, and this remains my favourite photo of us.

I miss them like some people would miss high school: You had good times, wouldn't change them for the world but you wouldn't go back, never go back.

...adulthood rears its ugly head once again.

FINALLY!!!!!!

I am trying to break your hear - Wilco

Its been two years, TWO YEARS, since I could listen to Wilco's I am trying to break your heart, because before today, every time I've tried to listen to it, it has reminded me of lame fucked up shit that eventually ended a chapter in my life. I love this song guys, and it pained me that [seemingly] it was forever tainted by something that was stupid, shitty, and wasted my time. I could never listen to it because when I did, I would say to my self 'aw man, not this shit again'. So I stopped listening to it, which sucked because it is such a great heartbreaking love song.

BUT

Today, TODAY, I listened to it without thinking back on 'that time', I fell in love with it all over again, just as beautiful as the first time I heard it. Oh Wilco, how I've missed thee, I'll never abandon you again, never leave you!

The Gargoyle

I've been working so much lately that I haven't even touched Andrew Davidson's The Gargoyle in like a week. I miss Marianne Engel and nameless narrator/protagonist. The book is so rich with imagery, and it makes me want to read Dante's Inferno...which I will since I think it will help me understand this book better. The Gargoyle has also made me rethink Christian ritual and immagery and what it really means to be a Christian.

...oh Christianity why won't you just let me go?

1. What's your favorite song?
There are so many but if I have to choose then it would be New Order's Ceremony, that song is just so beautiful and sad and upbeat all at the same time.

2. Favorite genre of music?
I'm going with rock because there are so many sub categories under rock which I love (ie indie, folk, alternative, new wave, punk) so rock best describes my favourite genre of music

3. Favorite musician?
Leonard Cohen, he's a musician, an artist and a poet. The imagery of his songs are epic!

4. What was the last song you listened to/are currently listening to?
A Cause des garcons by Yelle

5. What type of music do you dislike?
New age country, this means artists like Tim McGraw, Brooks and Dunn , Tobey Keith, etc.

6. What instrument do you like to listen to the most?
The violin, cello or bass guitar

7. What instrument do you most like to play (or would like to learn)?
The cello

8. Where do you go or what do you listen to when you're sad?
I usually shut myself in my room and the songs I listen to vary from what I'm upset over.

9. What was the last concert or musical event you attended?
Danny Michel

10. What concert or musical event do you wish you could have attended? Or a performer you would have loved to have seen live?
Be Your Own Pet because now they've broken up and I'll never be able to see them again

11. You and your sweetie, what's your 'song'? If you aren't paired off, what song do you think it might be?
EW gross how cheesy but if I must choose it would be...I really don't know

12. What song gets stuck in your head the most?
Bibbity boppity boo from Disney's Cinderella...don't ask

Cutting the Ribbon

Its 2am, and I have no clue what this blog will be about it. It will probably be what I'd hoped McFearless was going to be: my blog, about me but unfortunately that just turned into another place where I'd let out all my pain about something I should have been over ages ago.

Is this self-indulegent? Narcissistic?

Maybe but I'm on a mission to convince myself that I'm actually more interesting than I think I am and sharing my life with the internet will force me to be more interesting, since, who wants to read about me in my pajamas all day, and about what I can't let go.

This is still under construction so please come back soon!



In the meantime you can visit:

Death of a Trend - Where I rant and rave about hockey, hockey players, rock n' roll, and occasionally pop culture.

MatthewGood.org - The keeper of my soul. Intelligent. A gem. One in a million!

NHL.com - The fastest game on Earth. Hockey is one of the best sports in the world, too bad not too many people know that.

Last.fm - Stream music for free and add me as your friend!

Kings of Leon - My loves! Buy Only by the Night, NOW!

Lainey Gossip - One of the only gossip sites I visit but she's amazing, intelligent, witty, bitchy, and my pretend best friend