The Universe - 1; Nicole - 0

This is not what I had wanted. Not at all. I just wish that she could be spared from this fucked up shit, she doesn't deserve this.

How the fuck is the other one always 5 steps ahead?

Oh yea, because who would ever guess that a very close friend would betray your trust and use what they know as leverage against you, you wouldn't, would you? But that's exactly what she does, time and time again. The only other person that knows this besides me has been dismissed as a crazy ex-girlfriend.

*sigh*

This hurts and angers me because its hurting one of the best friends that I've ever had.

It may seem that I'm being too clingy, too territorial when it comes to my friends but you must know, I'm not the "cock block friend" by any means. You want to get yours, fine, that's your deal but I'll be damned if you go to his place alone. You can get it on in the next room whatever, wear a condom, please but I'll be watching old movies in his living room. That's what a good friend would do, non?

So as a good friend, I don't want, what can potentially go down, to go down. Its not right. Its not fair, and its completely the makings of a manipulative, vindictive, insecure, psychopath, who over and over again hurts people with little or zero consequence.

If this does go down, there will be consequences! You have to know what you've done is wrong! You have to understand that you've destroyed people! You have to realize that you can't treat people that way!

Same thing over and over. I'm hoping for the best.

Don't Judge Me But...

I kind of really love this song...SHUT UP!

You blew it, kid!

As you get older you get a reality check, when it comes to courtship and relationships. Firstly, that may be the 'cutest boi eva' but he's also the biggest douche bag ever with gonorrhea. Secondly looks really aren't that important if the dude is funny, talented (at whatever he does), sweet, passionate, nice, and treats you the way you should be treated.

I mean I've fallen in love with dudes that weren't exactly Johnny Depp, they weren't ugly by any stretch of the imagination but again, no Johnny Depp. But they were cool, we vibed, we had fun, etc. Which is what any relationship is about, right?

So because of this experience I have/had sworn off all pretty boys, all athletic types because my experiences with them have ALWAYS been negative, as in it always turns into a love triangle...ALWAYS and since I don't believe in competing for affections, I always bow out and subsequently loose that love battle.

Whatever they're just dudes, its not that serious.

Anyway, so when I see a pretty/athletic type of dude I'll say to myself 'Oh he's hot' and then go back to whatever I was doing before. I don't flirt, I don't try and obtain numbers, I don't stalk on facebook, I don't entertain ANY of those thoughts. At all. Ever.

I've gotten really good, so good that when they try and flirt with me, it doesn't even register, and they're standing there talking to me with a hint of disbelief written on their face because I'm not eating up everything they're saying; I'm not asking engaging, flirty questions. Its strictly plan tonic, not romantic, not even sexual, just 'hey dude what's up'. It confuses them.

So because of this err 'outlook'(???), I unwittingly shut down this dude for a month and a half. Bless him, he kept on trying.

Didn't really get it then but in hindsight, he was really trying.

His attempts didn't even come up on my radar because, to be honest, I didn't think he would be interested in me, so subconsciously I suppressed the usual 'OMGEEE HE'S SO HOT', and I just didn't get it.

1)He helped bring shit to my car even though I didn't ask him to. I totally brushed him off, telling him to just put it down and that I'll deal with it.

2)In our seminar he kept looking at me and always got this nervous look on his face

3)When I spoke to him he would get shy and just stare and then randomly declare things in a very authoritative manner.

4)The most telling of all things, was when we were alone. in the office. in the dark. He kept on asking me about my summer and what I had done and if I had enjoyed it. Even when I gave very short, non-engaging answers, he still continued. Even after a moment of silence, he continued. Even after I told him I had to go, he continued. And this time was different than all the others because I could actually feel that he was trying, you know? Before this day if you told me he was into me I'd probably say you were on crack but this time I felt the tension. I didn't feel it immediately, only after I left I thought 'what the hell just happened?'

Now I'm kicking myself because how could I be so dense? He was hot, muscular, tall, green eyed, and he wasn't a douche bag, and he was nice to me, and I completely shut him down! Just because of all of those other hot, muscular, tall, green eyed, dudes that came before him.

DAMN!

And now that school has started our schedules do no intersect at all and I don't know if and when I'll see him again. UGH!

...this also makes me wonder how many other hot dudes I've unknowingly shut down.

What an idiot

I'm glad Iive in the city because...

when the subway shuts down during rush hour, I know exactly how I'm going to get home and that's exactly what happened today. I was all by myself. The trains stopped running, the platform at York Mills was packed like a sardine can but I was calm. I knew what to do, where to go, where the shuttle buses would be. I can only imagine what it would have been like for those people who aren't used to the TTC. The city has made me street smart, and self-sufficient, despite the stereotype that city slickers don't know how to make fire, I'd say I'm pretty savy, when the occasion calls.


Stranded? NEVA!!!!!!!!!

If Only...

Wouldn't it be nice (I give you permission to sing the beach boys song)? Never mind the fact that if we were able to use the above buttons, our universe and the fabric of time would be seriously fucked, let's just fantasize away shall we?

Rewind: I'd go to the University of Windsor
Play: Orgasms...over and over again
Pause: This past summer
Stop: Arguments
Fast Forward: Work; life's too short for 9-5!

We Won't Ever Come Back From This

So long, my friend. There must always be an end but all our love and life, and song, carries on. I carry it on. Now the lightships are guiding you over the sea. And the lightships are sailing you away from me, over the edge of the world. The edge of the world. Over the edge but I carry you on I carry you on. And I carry on.

-Patrick Wolf

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Vivienne's best friend's death. I remember hearing about it and thinking, 'This can't be. Its just not possible', and to this day I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he's gone. I hadn't seen him in years and only ever knew him in passing but I think that has something to do with the fact that I just can't believe he's gone. To me he still exists somewhere, to me he's still alive but to all the people who loved him the reality is, he's gone.

I won't go into detail about other people's grief because its not my place to talk about it, least of all on a blog but Michael's death just made me realize how final, death is. There is no cheating it, there are no second chances, there is no forever, we all will die. Everyone you have ever met, hated, loved, locked eyes with, will die. This is something we don't often think about because a)We as humans are quite arrogant and have this 'emperor's new clothes' belief that we're indestructible and b)Death as a whole is just a vortex, it takes so much energy and emotion to process, on a regular basis, even just in thought.

People in my family have passed away but no one I was particularly close with so I have never had to feel the burden of grief for a prolonged period of time, especially grief over someone you always expected to be there.

You know, well you expect, that your grandparents and parents and aunts and uncles will pass away before you but when its a brother or a sister or a best friend; someone you were planning to have in your life until you kicked it, when you were in your 80s, is just a blow to your universe and your way of thinking.

Its easy to be objective about death when its not you who's going through a loss, its easy to say 'its a part of life'. All I know is if I lost my brother or sister or a really good friend *knocks on wood* I'd be a complete wreck, inconsolable, and I know it would take me YEARS to come to terms with the fact that a person I love will never drink orange juice again, or have to buy band aids, or take the bus, or brush their teeth, or find out what happens in the next Harry Potter movie...

...see thinking about it, just tears your world apart, and that's just thinking about it imagine if someone you loved was dying or dead.

Hm.

Death, I don't know what to make of you

Bitch, Please.

This billboard and the the wave of differing opinions about it, really made me open my eyes to the 'Toronto Hate' that the rest of Canada likes to partake in, and I know I have a heavy bias in this but I for one cannot understand it.

I've lived in Toronto my entire life, and I can't recall a time when myself or a fellow Torontonian has called someone from Calgary a redneck Cowboy; or someone from Vancouver a granola eating hippie; or someone from Newfoundland an ignorant noob; or someone from the Yukon a polar bear fighting 'Eskimo'. That's not to say that absolutely NO Torontonian has made an extremely stereotypical, highly offensive remark, what I'm saying is that we in Toronto do not typically make fun of or hate on, other places in Canada, a courtesy that is not repaid, it appears.

If you don't know, the belief is, people from Toronto are rude, egotistical, New Yorker wannabes; and the city itself is dirty, crime ridden, and not a very good place to live, or 'raise a family'.

I can definitely understand that if you're from a small town or a smaller city and you come to Toronto and people are just going about their business and don't look you in the eye as they're walking along front street or zoned out, and listening to their ipod on the subway; that's quite I big shift from what you're used to, and I get that.

And I can understand feeling overwhelmed at the size of our city and kind of missing a sense of community when walking down Bay St. but you have to understand a small town's sense of community and Toronto's sense of community are two very different things, its hard to compare.

My experience has been, your community is where you live and to a point where you work. Toronto is so huge, with its many Burroughs, and districts, you'll find it hard pressed to feel at home on Queen St. if you live in East York but that's not to say that people living on Queen St. wouldn't be warm and friendly to someone from East York. And if you work on Bay St. and you go to the same sandwich shop everyday for lunch then you create a type of community with the people that work there and the people that frequent there. That's community in the big city.

I get, that the inbetweens can seem particularly cold to people who don't live in Toronto (ie walking down the street; taking transit) but its not because Torontoians are mean its because our city is so big; we see can see hundreds of different people everyday and saying 'hi how are you' to every person that sits beside us on the subway car, is a daunting task. That doesn't mean we don't give our seats up for the elderly or help a mother with her stroller or say sorry if someone's foot is stepped on or make funny faces at babies.

Whenever I need help from any of my fellow Torontonians, they've been friendly and accommodating, whether its directions or leaving my bag on the bus, they're always there to help and if someone is rude to me I don't say to myself 'Oh there is a Toronto asshole' I say to myself 'that person is an asshole'. A person is an asshole because, they're an asshole not because, of where they live.

Some people may say that those of us who are complaining, need to get a sense of humour because the billboard is only a joke. However, I'm so sick of all the hate from people who are up their asses about Toronto. And we're the rude, snobby ones? Yeah, okay.

The funny thing is when I meet people from other provinces they're actually shocked at how polite Torontonians are, and when I travel outside of Toronto and people find out where I'm from, they give me flack about the terrible city I live in. Perplexed by their opinion, I always ask them if they've ever been to Toronto, and they all give the same answer: No.

Wow.

Oh and quit it with the mentality that people from small towns have a monopoly on morality and good values because that is definately not the case, so get off your high horse!

New Favourite Song!

I love, love, love, LOVE this song:



When it comes to music I'm such an anglophile, and I kind of hate it. Don't get me wrong British music is good but there is some great Can Con out there (Wintersleep, Broken Social Scene, Jen Grant, Junior Boys, etc) but somehow when going through my playlist(s) about 85% of the artists are British. What's that all about? Britain's okay and all but it ain't all that...I wish people I went to school with, understood this.

I want I want I want

Currently in employment limbo right now. My regular season job is on a two week summer break. My summer job has been suspended care of, the city of Toronto inside and outside workers' strike. So no money has been coming in for about two months and the money I do have I cannot touch because I have to pay for school in a couple of weeks.


I just had a girls weekend with Celeste, we stayed at a swank downtown hotel, ate out, and went clubbing which included alcohol, taxi fares, cover charges, and tips. Needless to say this past weekend I spent more money than I should have.

So most of the money I do have is in lock down, I only have several hundred dollars to spend until my regular job kicks in (that is if I get the shifts) and I'm saving the remainder of my credit card balance for when I have to buy books for school. So why oh, why did I visit the American Eagle's site today and see things that so desperately want?

Like this prep school blazer


That would look super cute with his sweetheart striped dress



Or shipping is free, for these awesome skinny jeans



Which would look good with this purple striped shirt


Or paired with this military inspired jacket



Accessorized by these kick ass boots from Chinese Laundry



Why do I do this to myself? *sigh* now I'm going to cry myself to sleep. Peace!

The Myth

After a year in an independent study high school my mother decided I should transfer to an all girls school. Both schools were Catholic but they could not be more different in how they approached religion, worship, and sexuality.

School one had a more laid back approach. Our priest was well known in the school community, he had an office in the school, he was easy to talk to, really friendly, and wore jeans when he wasn't leading mass. When we'd go to mass it was either in the gym or in the summer months it was on the field at the back of the school...yes mass on the grass. The emphasis was put on community, helping each other out, and being good people. At school I didn't feel stifled by religion or its dogma, and as a young woman I didn't feel as is I was carrying a burden of temptation and morality.

...in comes school two.

School two was an all girl school and not a week went by when abstinence, pro-life, and sexist dogma were not shoved down our throats. I could feel the shift instantly. Suddenly there was an abstinence group, where they'd put on lame, badly acted, skits on how to avoid having sex with your boyfriend (ironically enough one of the main members of this group was one of the most sexually active in the school) . Health class was a joke, it only highlighted the STIs we could contract if we had sex. (It was later revealed by my sister that, our gym teacher, who taguht health, had taught her year about condoms and birth control but adminsitration caught wind of this and shut down the safe sex unit in health class altogether.) Mass was held at the convent next door where we preached at about the special gift God gave to us and how it must be cherished as well as protected. Pre-marital sex was a sin. Homosexuality was a sin. Materbaution was a sin.

We were taught all of these things and yet girls at my high school still got pregnant before graduation, girls still contracted various STIs, and girls still got it on in the parking lot with their boyfriends during school dances.

I don't know about you but I'd say absitence only programs do not work.

We had this discussion with one of our more religiously inclined teachers. A classmate asked why safe sex shouldn't be taught in schools, our teacher said that providing condoms and lessons about birth control would be giving young people persmission to have sex (except that we don't need permission), my classmate countered 'but we're having sex anyway' after that my teacher shut up and continued on with the lesson.

So completely shocked and disgusted that my vagina and womb were constant fodder for both fear and control, I asked my brother and a few of my male friends who went to the all boys school up the road about abstience and pro-life: 'What's that?' 'Huh?' 'Oh we don't have that' 'They don't teach us about condoms either'

WHAT THE FUCK???

I was so angry! The blatant double standard was dispicable! I mean, a girl cannot get pregnant on her own, she cannot contract an STD all by her lonesome!

In light of this extrem sexism I started to weapons of the weak it. I skipped mass. Slept in religon class. Argued with my philiosphy teacher that yes, transgendered men and women are in face people...I was rude to him too, he deserved it! And I took a stand in business class, it may have not been on the Rosa Parks scale but I yielded the little power I did have:
It was pro-life week, the pro-lifers were passing around pictures of dead burnt babies and shit. At the end of their terrible presentation, they passed around these forms saying I making this promise to God, that I will keep my purity for marriage signed ________.
Oh fuck no!

I was seated beside a girl named Jessica, she was 6 months pregnant, so when said forms were being handed out, the pro-life girl handed me a form and sheepishly asked Jessica, 'You don't want one, do you', Jessica smiled nervously and shook her head. As everyone was signing their names the pro-life girls announced that all these sheets of paper would be placed in a bowl and be offered up to God at mass.

...



...


So as everyone passed their sheets up to the front the girls around be were like 'why aren't you handing in your sheet?' and I stated loudly, and clearly 'I'm not going to make a promise that I'm not going to keep, least of all to God' They gave me cut eye and turned back around. And that was my defiance in the fact of sexism, mysgongy, and religion.

It sucks that a woman's morality is contingent on her sexuality. A man would never be considered a bad person because he's has double digit, sexual partners but if you found out a woman had the same amount well then she'd be considered a slut, someone to be gawked at, someone to be avoided, someone not worthy of a commited relationship.

Really? REALLY?

Take a fucking walk!