Tell me I got here at the right time

I have no proof but a piece of paper but I know that piece of paper could lead to something that I am in no way prepared to deal with. I don't know for sure. It could be nothing. It could be everything. Right now I don't know and I'm fearing the worst.

I was an asshole. I didn't try hard enough. I wasn't forgiving enough. I was too stubborn. I wasn't goood enough. I was mean. There's not enough time.

These are the the things that are going through my mind right now. I know that our relationship hasn't been perfect but I don't want him to remember me in that way because in the end we won't want to remember the fights and the yelling. We'd want to remember dancing to Harvest Moon when I was little. The jokes we had. Watching the game together. Camping. Soccer games.

I've always wanted a better relationship with my father but somehow it could never work. We expected each other to be people that we weren't and that's where our problems begin and end, because every thing stems from that. We don't really know each other, and today I regret that so very much.

Tomorrow if I find out that this is all just a whole lotta nothing, well I have to be better because what if I don't get a second chance.

I hope I do get that second chance, when I finally find out what's really going on. Life's temporary, you only have one shot. I won't have another father. So whatever the news is I'm going to be better because I don't want him to think of me as this horrible person and I don't want to look back at our relationship and have regrets, I don't want to hate myself for that, and I want to have good memories of my father.

That's all I want.