The Hard Goodbye

Said my first goodbye. Right now, Vivienne is half way around the world, jet lagged and miserable...well hopefully not. My last night with her we hung out with Chris and my grade 9 crush, Jay, which I got strangely giddy over because LIKE OMG MY GRADE 9 CRUSH, who was like so totally cute back in 2002, lol. Anyways we went to this totally random European restaurant in the heart of Scarborough, which I can't say I'm familiar with.

Jay is a really good story teller and he has many stories to tell, I now understand why Vivienne won't shut up about him. He's not what you expect him to be. He wears shirts from American Apparel (how bad is it that I can recognize a plain tee as AA), skinny jeans, and rebook high tops. Except he's got this really 'small town Ontario' way about him, he calls his friends his 'buddies' and talks about the cottage and 'going up north', and beer and hockey and snowboarding and yet he's been all over Europe and Southern Asia and has tried foods that I won't even look at. He's a strange one, I was just - not in awe- but completely shocked that all these things are coming from this guy who has a goatee and lives in Whitby but enough about him.

I was a little sad that the first time Vivienne and I actually did something, regular single 21 year old girls do, she has to leave for two months. I know that I've said this before but I'm really glad that Vivienne and I have become friends again, its like grade 9 all over again, which was the last time I felt, normal, I guess? It sucks that when you experience a trauma, it takes years to get over. I mean I was 14 and now that I'm 21 (almost 22) I'm only moving on now. It has honestly been an up hill battle for the last 8 years. I hadn't realized how much damage had been done until Vivienne reminded me of the person I used to be. The transformation between June 2002 to September 2002 was a complete 180, and I never really recovered. I can't believe my family didn't notice or didn't do anything about my extreme behavioral and personality change.

Whatever, what's done is done, I've got to move on and even though I'm essentially alone this summer(ok not really) I've got to quit this Peter Pan syndrome and grow the fuck up...or at least do more adult things, honestly I still have mickey mouse bedding! Right now I can say that I'm happy with the person I am, and I'm happy to see all the amazing things that are being lined up on the horizon I just have to do it, you know! I need to grow up!

In closing: Yey for hot boys and alcohol!

TV on the Radio

I went to go see TV on the Radio with Val and her friend Matt on Tuesday. Before that night I heard about them but never heard their music and before that night I had not seen Val since high school graduation, so how did this come to pass?

In high school we were into the same music and even went to the edge to meet Kasabian together, she was cool and all but our group of friends...well let's just say they didn't overlap, we could probably thank the other one for that but that's not important. So anyways, she randomly messaged me on facebook a few weeks ago and have since exchanged several messages about, what else, our amazing taste in music, lol.

Last weekend she messaged me about how she had an extra ticket to TV on the Radio and asked if I wanted to go. At the time I was feeling pretty low about Alice and Vivienne, and we got along well enough in high school, and I'm a pretty accommodating person so I thought 'why the fuck not?'.

I must say I do not regret my decision. There was only one semi-awkward moment when her and Matt were talking about school and I was just like 'I study people...' but overall I had a good time. The opening act, Dirty Projectors, were garbage! Yea I just said that you hipster fucks! But TV on the Radio were sooooo good. I didn't know what to expect and I was pleasantly blown away by them, they were amazing! They're music is this folky, soulful, indie, eclectic, concoction . Its effing brilliant!

I'm really glad I went because now I have a concert buddy, and its always nice to rekindle old friendships. Yey, more friends! Why not?



PS Can you detect a certain legend singing in the background of 'Province'? If they got him to sing with them, then you know they're good!

Summer

This is essentially how I'm feeling right now.

We can make it rain again I'd feel like I belong
Let's make it cold again I'm not ready and it's wrong
We can put the outdoor chairs back in and lock the door
Go back to walking all heads down and put our coats back on

The summer's come too soon and I'm still missing you

We can stay at home and draw the blinds and light a fire
Pull the covers high and go to sleep early for hours
Don't want to be too hot and there's no way to cool down
Don't want to sit outside all night or even leave the house

The summer's come too soon and I'm still missing you

I don't want to sit and drink in parks and watch the sun go down
Don't want to put my feet in water and lie back in the grass
I don't want to watch the planes go by or hold anybody's hand

The summer's come too soon and I can't come back to you
The summer's come too soon and I'm still missing you

And if the sun would go down stop reminding me now
If we ever had a choice, I don't mind now
And if the sun would go down stop reminding me now
If we ever had a choice, I don't mind now

Weekend Round up: Mostly Work, Some Play

Friday:
Went to an Indian restaurant had butter chicken and palak paneer with garlic naan bread, mmmmm. It was so delicious, I nearly ate myself into a coma! Afterwards we went to go see Terminator Salvation which I enjoyed. Now I know that all the critics are pretty much split on whether or not this was a good movie but I think those who didn't like it were expecting too much. First of all its not going to be like the other Terminator movies because those movies took place in the past/present where The Connor's were still running for their lives while simultaneously trying to stop judgement day. This movie takes place in the future, where the world is run by machines and humans have to fight to live, this was never fully explored in the previous movies so OBVIOUSLY the mood of this film is going to be vastly different. Secondly its an action movie, no one sees an action movie for the heartbreaking monologues, NO, you see action movies to see stuff get blown up! Terminator Salvation was leagues above T:3 but Terminator 2 remains the best of the franchise. I give Terminator Salvation 4/5.

Saturday
I worked.

Sunday
I worked. I worked back-to-backs shift actually, so I didn't leave work. I was there for 25 hours. Yea I was hella tried to say the least. So I came home, made a cup of tea, and went to bed...at 6:30! I woke up at 1:30 this morning to go pee went back to sleep and woke up at 11:30. I guess I was REALLY tired

And that was my weekend...at least I earned myself a good paycheck.

Smoke Mushrooms

Choose a band or artist and answer these questions using the titles of their songs

ROYKSOPP

1)Are you male or female?
Girl and The Robot

2)Describe yourself
Someone Like me

3)How do people feel about you?
She's so

4)How do you feel about yourself?
Follow my Ruin

5)Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend
Beautiful Day Without You

6)Describe where you want to be
In Space

7)Describe what you want to be
Happy up Here

8)Describe how you live
49 percent

9)Describe how you love
True to life

10)Share a few Words of Wisdom
Only This Moment

Crystal Method

Here's the ROM in Toronto. I still think its a rip-off of La Louvre en Paris mais it turned out better than I expected and is definitely pushing Toronto into that 'world class' category that all the politicians so desire. I don't know about you but I'd like to keep Toronto all to myself. I hate tourists.

What Else Is There?

I won't lie to you. I love these things. Its kind of like doing MASH in math class, its completely pointless but its fun.

Put your music player on shuffle and answer each question according to the song that comes up!
Easy enough, right?

How does the world see you?
Star Guitar by The Chemical Brothers

Will I have a happy life?
With Every Heartbeat by Robyn

What do my friends really think of me?
Hunter by Bjork

Do people secretly lust after me?
Broken Homes by Tricky

How can I make myself happy?
Golden Skans by Klaxons

What should I do with my life?
You Stole The Sun From My Heart by Manic Street Preachers

Will I ever have children?
Don't Cry Out by Shiny Toy Guns

What is some good advice for me?
We Own the Sky by M83

How will I be remembered?
Lorelei by The Cocteau Twins

What is my signature dancing song?
Nothing Compars 2 U by Sinead O'Connor

What do I think my current theme song is?
Kids With Guns by Gorillaz

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Lightsonic by Groove Armada

What song will play at my funeral?
Ashes to Ashes by David Bowie (lol)

What type of men/women do you like?
That Great Love Sound by Raveonettes

What is my day going to be like?
Be Mine by Robyn

Great Weekend!

Friday
I went out with a bunch of girls from work to a bar/club. There was a bitch fight in the street and like four squad cars pulled up to deal with them it was like something out of Cops AKA AMAZING. I really enjoyed my Friday night because I hung out with and I got to know some people that I may have never gotten to know on that level had I not imposed myself on Kayla's friday night plans. ALSO they're not weird or jerks, which means we can do this again. OH and we totally talked shit and rubbish the whole time! We did polar bear shots. I drank: Beer, Rum n' Coke, and Jack n' Ginger but amazingly enough I was not drunk. I was happy but not drunk. But I am ashamed to admit that I did smoke 3 cigarettes, ugh so dirty. Anyways after we went out for breakfast and I got home at 4:00am, ROCKSTAR!

Saturday
I saw my bestestest friend in the whole wide world, Alice! We went for a walk through Edwards Garden's. Then we had sushi for dinner. I had an avocado roll and a spicy tuna roll. We talked about the usual, shared stories, and spend about an hour in my drive way talking about environmentalism, feminism, and the consciousness of a zombie. We're so cool, huh?

Sunday
I worked and was asked to stay 4.5 more hours, 20 minutes before my original shift had ended. I was miffed to say the least. But I got to work with cool people so that helped.

So all in all it was a good, eventful weekend. Not too much partying, not too much bumming around, just enough of everything: Work, Play, Relaxation. Why can't I do this every weekend?

But next weekend? UGH just shoot me right now please...more on that later.

Okay there Catholicism

Ninety-Five Theses on the Power and Efficacy of Indulgences

Have you read this article? No, seriously have you read this article? Please read this article!

Let's break this down shall we?

-A 9 year old girl in Brazil gets raped by her step-father
-She becomes pregnant with twins
-Abortions are illegal in Brazil unless the pregnancy poses a threat to the health of the mother or in cases of rape
-The doctors agree to give the 9 year old girl an abortion because her hips are too small give birth AND she was raped
-The Catholic Church then goes on to excommunicate the doctors and the girl's family saying that the zygotes could have been delivered through cesarean and that they've killed 'an innocent'

Are you not angry? Are you not fuming?

I've been brought up in a Catholic background so I know the pro-life stance through and through: Life begins at conception. Life is a gift of God. We have no right to deny a gift from God. etc. etc.

PLEASE! We are not at all concerned with gifts from God.

Proof?

Is this planet that we live on, not a 'gift from God' and what have we done? We've maimed, mutliated, burned, and desecrated this 'gift from God'. So are these people advocating 'going green' or developing a sustainable way of living? These people who have a history of vast wealth, power, and influence? These people who are living in grand palaces with an infinite amount of money, who are out of touch with the world, and living the life that is a far cry from a poor carpenter????

I don't think so!

This girl has been permanently damaged. Her life and family will never be the same. Her innocence was ripped and torn from her, and the Catholic church is more concerned with excommunicating her family and her doctors. What about her step father? Did he not snuff out this girl's, who for all intents and purposes was his daughter, innocence, her life?

They can save their 'killing an innocent' argument because they have A LOT of experience with killing and robbing innocents!

Have all those priests who have been accused and charged with sexual assault and pedophilia been excommunicated? Are they not the real evil that should be cast out of the fold? Not a 9 year old girl's family the doctors who gave her a new lease on life. A girl who was ravaged and impregnated by an evil man who she trusted and loved. Their logic to me, is mind boggling. Its completely backwards, its completely out of touch, its completely irrational and illogical.

This is classic Roman Catholicism: everything exists in a vacuum. Only WE get into heaven so you have to listen to us!

This is so sickening! And they wonder why more and more people are turning away from The Church.

Sidenote: I went to a Catholic school all my life and in my high school years I went to an all girls school. Basically what I learned was that within the church, as women, we would always be second class. As women our only useful function, besides being members of the ~*alter guild*~, were to be baby machines. And lastly chastity, purity, and morality began and ended with us: you have sex before you're married: you're a whore. REPENT, SLUT. Your boyfriend has sex before he's married: Boys will be boys.

How messed up is that? In heterosexual consenting intercourse, it takes two to tango and yet only the women are persecuted. Only the women are sluts! In fact we tempted them! We seduced them! Its our fault! Those poor defenseless men, how could they EVER say no? Well they don't have to, because even if they say yes, its the woman's fault! Their immortal souls are not in jeopardy :phew:

And people wonder why I've walked away?

Tell me I got here at the right time

I have no proof but a piece of paper but I know that piece of paper could lead to something that I am in no way prepared to deal with. I don't know for sure. It could be nothing. It could be everything. Right now I don't know and I'm fearing the worst.

I was an asshole. I didn't try hard enough. I wasn't forgiving enough. I was too stubborn. I wasn't goood enough. I was mean. There's not enough time.

These are the the things that are going through my mind right now. I know that our relationship hasn't been perfect but I don't want him to remember me in that way because in the end we won't want to remember the fights and the yelling. We'd want to remember dancing to Harvest Moon when I was little. The jokes we had. Watching the game together. Camping. Soccer games.

I've always wanted a better relationship with my father but somehow it could never work. We expected each other to be people that we weren't and that's where our problems begin and end, because every thing stems from that. We don't really know each other, and today I regret that so very much.

Tomorrow if I find out that this is all just a whole lotta nothing, well I have to be better because what if I don't get a second chance.

I hope I do get that second chance, when I finally find out what's really going on. Life's temporary, you only have one shot. I won't have another father. So whatever the news is I'm going to be better because I don't want him to think of me as this horrible person and I don't want to look back at our relationship and have regrets, I don't want to hate myself for that, and I want to have good memories of my father.

That's all I want.